Every fresh start is a new beginning. Or maybe it’s vise-versa? I dunno… but either way, it’s what I keep telling myself because what’s the alternative???
NOTHING…nothing but a steep and steady downhill tumble to SELF distruction. 👎
This Journey I’ve been on for the last 7 years has been a crazy adventure with limited ‘down’ time…For if I’m not involved with some new type of drug or alternative therapy, I’m actively seeking one with my whole SWAT team fully engaged.
Over the years many people have said to me “Gillian, I just don’t know how you do it” OR “You are SO strong.” but up until recently I think I may have been selling myself short…because I always just thought ‘Well I have no other choice…or ‘you would do the same if you had to’…OR ‘you become strong when STRONG is your only choice…‘
And although I still believe those things to a certain degree, I NOW have a sneaky suspicion that I may be stronger than I ever thought.
When I think about it, it probably would be relatively easy to just accept the inevitable and become angry for the cards I’ve been dealt. (And trust me there have been MANY moments of anger expressed..)
I do think it would also be relatively easy to go on with life, merely ‘existing’, or to shut down completely and become a recluse…but THAT has simply NEVER been part of my game plan…
All that being said, I didn’t just become this way straight out of the womb. I’ve had strong and resilient parents who have raised me, tough experiences in my life which have shaped me, and of course an EXTREMELY annoying and constant thorn in my side that has forced me to learn the TRUE definition of persistency:
When I look at the quote above, I can’t help but give myself a little credit and my family and friends a HUGE ‘thanks’ for helping me to check all four of those boxes, as I’ve stumbled my way through this journey so far.
I may feel the furthest thing from confident, strong and stable physically… but in my mind I could not be more sure of my ultimate goal.
I know that settling for the version of myself I am now is okay for the moment, because this is the moment I am living due to circumstances that are out of my control.
BUT this moment won’t last forever and it won’t be the version of myself I end up. At least that is my PLAN… I will do everything in my power to become better than I am now, one tiny step at a time.
I knew this would be my approach to defeating this deamon from the moment approximately 4 years ago, when I decided I simply CANNOT live this way for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t getting better on its own, and I knew that self-advocacy was going to play a large part in mine and my family’s life.
MS is such an unpredictable disease, so we knew that the first treatment I tried was likely not going to be the last. There are many things about my illness that doctors and researchers still don’t know. They haven’t yet discovered the BEST treatment and there’s nothing yet on the market that reverses the debilitating permanent damage that is left behind after a terrible attack.
If there were one of these options available, my life would likely be a lot easier… But until that time, my family and I must continue to search for the next best avenue or turn to take on the everwinding road we are travelling.
I feel like I’m on a pretty promising path right now with the Stem Cell trial, and don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful to be one of only 20 chosen… BUT until I get confirmation through improved symptoms, our eyes and ears will always remain open for other promising therapies and up-and-coming treatments.
As I write this post I somewhat wonder for a split second if I am even ‘eligible’ to speak about something that has not yet happened… THAT being my ultimate success…Because often when you read about other people’s success, it’s after it has already occurred.
In my case, it is all still a hope, a belief, and a solid plan of action… But then that split second of mindful insecurity is shattered to pieces when my inner strength outshines all of my doubts.
To me, it’s okay that I haven’t reached my ULTIMATE success yet… because along the way I have had many mini successes.
THOSE successes are what motivate me to push FURTHER, fight HARDER and believe DEEPER than ever before that the persistent determination which runs deep within me will one day pay off…and all I have hoped and fought for all these years will finally come to fruition.
If you’re reading this right now and battling something of your own, REGARDLESS of what it is… one thing I have learned along my journey so far, is that you have to be a little bit FEISTY and a lot STUBBORN. (neither of these things to the point you lose friends 😜)… But to the point where you build an unwavering belief that QUITTING is not an option..
And when you look at your journey and realize you have not YET made it to your desired end point or reached your ultimate success… Just think of it as taking many ‘Pit Stops’ along the way… Pit Stops to allow yourself to refuel and get back on the road to whatever it is you are becoming.
Trust me… ‘Pit Stop’ is my middle name. I’ve made MANY of them. Many which at one point I thought of as failures, but now I see as stepping stones to something greater… Something I may not even know is coming yet, but something I can only hope and believe will give me relief to my symptoms, and highlight the path to a better future.
And as I can’t help but think about the POSSIBLE Stem Cells I may receive in July, I also think back and remember all the mini pit stops which I’ve made so far along my EVERWINDING road.
In my future posts I will discuss and outline EXACTLY what all my ‘pit stops’ have entailed… however right now, I can’t help but feel excited for the possibility of a better future which may be right around the corner.
BUT then again, all that excitement I feel is also slightly shadowed…Because there have been SO many other times I got my hopes up in believing (full force) that other treatments would be the key to my improved health.
It is those times which have now become my stepping stones, and have also taught me that when granted an opportunity to try a new and cutting-edge therapy, to first off be extremely thankful, while at the same time become CAUTIOUSLY optimistic, keep my crazy emotions grounded, and ALWAYS always ALWAYS stay the course…
REGARDLESS of the terrain. 🏔️ 👟 😎