The Mother I’ve Become

Let’s just cut right to the chase…being a mother is HARD! No matter who you are, what you’re facing, where you’ve come from, where you’re headed, what you’ve overcome or what you’re still battling, being a mother is down right difficult.

Yes it is rewarding, but it is by far one of the most challenging journeys that life has to offer. We like to relate to other mothers by knowing that everything we are going through and all the obstacles we face, are shared by millions of other mothers who are going through the ‘same’ thing.. But although the one common thread about being a mother is raising a child…my personal belief is that all these other things we encounter while doing so are merely similar, and MAYBE not so much the same at all…

From the baby who won’t sleep, to the one who won’t stop crying, to the high pitch teething screams, to the formula fed baby or the baby still being nursed. To the toddlers who only say no, to the ones who babble all day… From the children who are being bullied to the ones bullying others…And from the teenager struggling in school, to the one who questions every single house rule…

ALL of what we may or may not face while navigating our way through motherhood is only similar, because no two mothers OR two children are the same. 

We all relate in similar ways to other mothers going through various stages of parenthood. From the sleepless nights to the potty training days, to the stubborn teenage years and everything inbetween…OF COURSE all these stages are very relatable from one mother to another.

But what remains very VERY different, is the personal story each of us hold… That is EVERYTHING we must battle, overcome or modify in order to accomplish any one of the ‘motherly’ tasks with which we are faced. 

For the longest time… WAY before I was a mother or even before I was married for that matter, I had the ‘perfect’ vision in my mind of being the ‘perfect’ mother to the ‘perfect’ child and doing everything in ways that every other mother does.

I had envisioned the sleepless nights, the nursing, the teething stages, even the days I would keep my baby attached to me in one of those carriers just to get something done. 

I had envisioned picking him/her up and carrying them on my hip. I had Envisioned long walks during the nicest days, and frantically running to the car while getting caught in the rain. I had envisioned going everywhere and anywhere I wanted with him/her and carrying multiple bags plus a car seat all at once…

I had envisioned teaching my son or daughter how to play every sport I knew, taking them to the park, to play dates, to the mall, and to the doctor all on my OWN, and doing everything else a ‘normal’ mother would do. 

That WAS my vision…but of course that was all before MS.

As I discussed in a couple posts back, my vision of being a mother changed drastically not only after my diagnosis, but after living this life with a long list of debilitating symptoms in tow… Symptoms that included overwhelming physical fatigue combined with severe nerve pain and the inability to walk more than a couple of steps… And when walking those steps only having one hand free because the other one is gripping on for dear life to whatever is beside me.

But it wasn’t until AFTER Landon was born that I was forced to face the fact that I WASN’T going to be the mother I had envisioned all those years before. 

Nothing was ever going to stop me from being the best mother I could be, as I always knew I would give it all I had. 

BUT,  it has taken a long LONG time to mentally get to the point where I’m at now…that is accepting the fact that I am the mother I’ve BECOME and not the mother I THOUGHT​ I’d be.

I’m not the mother who can get there in time for the majority of falls he takes. I’m not the mother who could EVER afford to worry about the things that dropped on the floor and then went directly into his mouth. I AM the mother who has bribed my child with candy just to make him cooperate during my breaking point and deepest desperation…

I have NEVER been the mother who nursed, or the one who got up in the middle of the night to get my baby a bottle…Luckily, my husband took on that challenge full force! (He is actually the true warrior in all of this as he is the one who takes care of EVERYTHING​ I can’t do. He is a true example of a devoted father and husband who I’m thankful for in every single way…♥️)

I have NEVER been the mother to go on long walks, to take him to the park, carry him on my hip or carry multiple bags and a car seat all at once… I have NEVER been able to play with him in our front yard, driveway, splash pad, or any other open space… I haven’t even tried this for the fear of him escaping and me not being able to protect him from busy streets or any other danger.

BUT then there are the things I HAVE done and continue to do, but at a much more modified pace and totally different style.

I remember the times I took him to the mall, took him to the doctor and even gave him baths all on my own! I even remember the one time I took him to Swiss Chalet for a mother-son lunch date…😘

 I DID go for walks, but they consisted of only to the stop sign and back, and on REALLY good days maybe a street further.

But NEVER have I EVER gone anywhere or done any of these things without immense fatigue, pain, and difficulty to the point that I was gripping the stroller with every ounce of energy I had left JUST to stay upright.

But regardless of the way I’ve done things, how much or how little I’ve done things, or at what modified pace… I’ve done them! and for that I am so incredibly proud. 

My BIGGEST hope for Landon is to one day see all the things in this life he can accomplish through problem solving, thinking outside the box, getting creative, and pushing himself slightly or a LOT out of his comfort zone. 

With Landon now being a toddler, I could not be more proud of the person he’s becoming. 

Because of everything I can’t do, he has been forced to help me in ways he may never even realize. He has become sensitive to my pain, intuitive about my limitations, and always always ALWAYS there to give me a kiss during one of my biggest meltdowns. 

I am FAR from the ‘normal’ mother I thought I’d be. But then again what’s normal? No mother has it easy and we are all fighting battles of some sort and to some degree of severity…

We post pictures of ourselves and our families in the perfect setting with the perfect smiles and the perfect tagline…but beyond the ficade there is almost ALWAYS a story of which only we and our best supporters know. A story that pushes us out of our momentary bliss and back into the reality we face every single day.

If there is one thing about MS which I have become thankful for, it’s the down right resilience it has instilled in me as a person and a mother. I will NOT quit because quitting is simply not an option.

No matter how hard it may get, Landon will ALWAYS be my personal cheerleader and everlasting motivation as he chants ‘GO Mommy GO!”

#themotherivebecome #thebestmothericanbe #resilence #neverquit #fightthefight #mamawithMS #personaljourney #burnfireburn